A while back, I was reading at my favorite Starbucks when I saw a homeless guy digging through the trash.
My inactiveness greatly outweigh my activeness in offering a helping hand. But I made a promise to myself that I won’t allow myself to be idle and witness a fellow human digging through trash.

We ended up striking a long conversation, as he was eating a Subway sandwich.
He said he really needed a new pair of shoes real soon.
He asked me my shoe size, and when I told him, he shrugged and said ‘you have small feet.’

But it bothered me greatly. Not that he commented that I have small feet, but the relief I felt when he realized my shoe wouldn’t fit him.
It made me a bit angry, but mostly sad.
It was just a pair of shoes, and I was so unwilling to part with it.
What if we did have the same size feet? How would that’ve played out?
It probably would’ve been an awkward moment. And also I’m assuming too much that he’d even ask me for my shoes.

Sure, our finances are tight, but I would still be able to afford new shoes.
I don’t know how we go about becoming un-reluctant givers. Or to be more exact, how I go about becoming an un-reluctant giver.
The sad part is, I probably haven’t learn from this. I probably would think twice if the same situation arises in the near future, and still hold onto my shoes.

And that’s the thing that bothers me. I put limits on how comfortable I am in following Jesus.
And I feel Jesus is always tugging at my heart in trying to push me beyond my limits.
It’s a struggle. And I’m embarrassed to admit, a struggle that Jesus loses majority of the time.

It’s times like this, I expect a normal person eagerly awaiting the next time for an opportunity like this to come up, to redeem himself or what not.
But me, a part of me is hoping that this situation never comes up again, because of how I may do the wrong thing. Again.

But God continues to work through me. God continues to push my buttons and continues to make me feel uncomfortable in my own skin.
And, I’ve noticed that more and more God is winning the small struggles in my heart.
So, even though I feel like I failed this time, and even though I know this will not be a last time, thanks be to God who never gives up on me and continues to change me from the inside out.