I got the dreaded call earlier than I expected, which completely blind sided me.
As of now, one of my papers did not pass, so I will not be eligible for the interview process. At this point, I hope that all 3 have failed. I assume come next week, I will learn the reasons why they did not pass.
Of course I’m bummed and a bit annoyed, but I’m also surprised that I am not angry. I told all my friends that I would be okay if I didn’t pass the interview process, but would be thoroughly angry that if I didn’t pass my papers. But I’m not angry. Not even a bit.
Before I sent my papers in to the board, I said a prayer telling God that all is in His hands, and if I pass it is by His grace alone and if I do not pass, God has some things to teach me a bit.
These past two years have been a very humbling experience for me in ministry. I’ve learned a lot about myself, especially in how self-confident and self-reliant I can be. God has been teaching and showing me (sometimes painfully) that I need to rely on God and that my confidence should come from God. God has reminded me, that apart from Him, I can’t do much.
Truthfully, everything has been coming to me easily, in terms of finding churches to work, ministry areas, appointments… Though, very thankful, looking back, it was leading me down a dangerous path in that I had a part in making this happen. That I was part of the formula for the big successes in my life.
Perhaps this is one of God’s way to continue to teach me to be humble and remind me that my life is not mine to control, but God’s.
The shock has worn off, thanks to a half mile walk to Starbucks from the church. The disappointment lingers, but not as much. And I’m thankful that I am not angry.
I trust in God that this is still part of God’s plan for me.
I won’t get ordained before I turn 30 which was a personal goal that I had. (Oh, which reminds me… after the call, I went to our sanctuary, and spent time in prayer just asking God to help me accept this and help me learn from this experience. But I also told God that since ordination wasn’t in His plans for me this year, a baby girl better be. And time’s running out for a baby to be born in the year of the White Tiger, which happens every 60 years, 2010. )
I’m still young. Though the age 30 does scare me a bit.
And this ordination process… in my heart, I know that God has already ordained me as one of His pastors and to ministry.
This process was to be officially acknowledged by my peers that I’m ordained. I’m okay without having that for another year.
I can now joke about this.
I’m thinking about showing up to church this Sunday with a big red “FAIL” stamp on my forehead as I preach.
I think it’ll be funny…