I’m writing this post based on something that happened this past weekend that I’m thoroughly (can’t emphasize that enough) embarrassed about. I debated whether to blog about this or not, because it makes me look real, real bad. And no body would know about it, because it all happened within my head.
But I learned a lesson. And I call out so many people (especially the United Methodist Church) on my blog, I found it rather hypocritical that I wouldn’t call out myself on my very own blog.
You have to understand that my wife has a very, very big heart. She is so generous and loving. I’m… not that quite big-hearted. I mean, there are reasons why people have called me “jerk”, “cold-hearted”, “heartless” … (or maybe that’s just my wife calling me those things…) I think a reason why I earned those titles (yes, ‘earned) is because, for the most part, I don’t like being emotional when I have to make a decision. Don’t get me wrong, I’m an emotional person. But, I don’t like letting my emotions rule my thoughts. Therefore, when I have to make a hard decision, I am (for the most part) able to take my personal emotions out of it, weigh both sides, and make the decision that I feel is the best for everyone involved, even if it means that people will get their feelings hurt. (Get over it, I would think in my head). If I owned an NFL franchise, and hired my brother to be a GM, and he went around acting like Dan Snyder and Vinny Cerrato (for you non-Redskins, read: incompetent), I would not think twice about replacing my brother. I’d still love him. He still could come and hang out at the owner’s box. But sorry, mom and dad, your second son was just a moron when it came to these things. Wow, do I digress….
My small group members and a couple of other people from church signed up to prepare and serve dinner at our local Winter Homeless Shelter. The wife and I signed up to make macaroni and cheese. (Well, more like I signed my wife up to make the Mac and Cheese)
My wife said that she’s gonna make some ‘bomb’ mac & cheese. And I believed her, because she’s a really good cook. (and, btw, it WAS REALLY good. I don’t even like Mac & Cheese…)
She came back from the grocery store and she said, “Oh man. This Mac & Cheese is gonna be great. I bought like 5 different cheeses. I hope you don’t mind, I spent like 60 or so dollars for the stuff that I needed.”
I paused. “Wait. Did you say like 60 dollars or 16 dollars?”
She said, “SIXTY. 6-0.”
I paused again. “But…”
“We should be okay, right?”
“But…” and then I paused. And thank God I did, because I knew the next words that were coming out of my mouth.
What I almost said was, “But, why are we spending so much for the homeless people?”
I cringe just thinking about what went through my head. I’m glad that something (Spirit? God?) stopped me from actually saying those words.
I know exactly what my wife’s response would’ve been. “Why the heck not?”
Not to mention, I’m the guy that once blogged about how people donate what they were about to throw away to the homeless shelter.
It’s not something I’m proud of. I’m sure that I would not be the only who would react that way, but that doesn’t give me much solace.
It’s one of those moments where God was looking at me and saying, “Really?” or, since it’s Monday and Monday Night Football is around the corner, “C’MON, MAN!”
I’m thankful for people who don’t think twice about being generous.
My wife certainly has much, much to teach me about being generous.
I think that I’m one of those people who are generous to a point. And I don’t like that about myself.
But, the important thing is, I can improve from this. And one of the biggest reasons I blogged about it today is to hold myself somewhat accountable.