So Much To Think About, So Little Brain Space

So. This week is a pretty big and pretty crazy (emotional wise) week.
This Wednesday, I step in front of the Board of Ordained Ministry to go through my interviews for full membership in the Cal-Pac Annual Conference of the United Methodist Church.

Let me just sum up this whole week it two short words: “It Sucks.”
I hate the way this whole process makes me feel.
I’m sitting at Starbucks just going through comments from readers and my papers, and I purposefully ordered a decaf drink. Yet. I’m still jittery and shaky. And my stomach. Ugh. I’ve been trying to not think about it. But, how can I NOT think about it while trying to prepare for it.

I’ve been playing out scenarios in my head, and for some reason, I can’t seem to finish on a positive one.
I’ve been telling people and myself, I want it to be all over. But that’s half the truth. Yes, I want it to be all over, but over in favor of my passing.
I don’t want to go through this again next year.
But I’ve also been preparing myself for the worst scenario.
I think more than anything, not passing would be more painful to me because of how embarrassed I would be. Now, I know everyone will be gracious and say, “Next year, kid” and all the other generic stuff. But that’s not going to soften the blow. Being “continued” (how they say that we didn’t pass this year) doesn’t really hide the fact that this year, I failed.

Of course, I’m good enough to not let it weigh me down. And I know I’ll dust my shoulders off and move forward.

And of course, it is during this time that my mind goes back to all the horror stories people have experienced during their process and journey.

And, really. How much preparation can I really do? There’s always going to be that question that catches me off guard. And I’ll try to stall as I try to regather my thoughts and bearings. And, the answer is going to come out the way I didn’t want to. And throughout the ENTIRE interview, my mind will be fixated on that one hiccup. And then, on the drive home BOOM, I’ll think of the perfect answer and would have the intense desire to go back to the board and say, “ask me that question again!”

Ugh. I just have to stop letting me get to me.

At least it’s Monday night. Time to watch Raw and see what happened during the Royal Rumble last night.

Don’t judge me.

2 thoughts on “So Much To Think About, So Little Brain Space

  1. Hang in there, Joseph. My experience overall wasn’t a great one, but when I did get interviewed, my committee treated me as a colleague who they wanted to see succeed. I pray the same for you.

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