I'm half way done writing a bible study on Encountering Grace for the Converge Bible Study series.
I don't think I've ever experienced a bigger writer's block than what I've been experiencing for the past two weeks.
I don't know what it is. I just can't put thought to paper (or screen.)
I have reacted by consuming a lot (a lot) of caffeine, often going to the local coffee shop twice a day. Then being so wired at night, that I'm just lying in bed thinking about how I can't think of anything to write.
I also have other pressing issues offline (aka the real world) that have demanded my attention. And being a pastor, there's always small fires to tend to here and there.
I've been neglecting this blog, because most of my “creative” thinking has been wrapped around the concept of encountering grace.
And I don't like it when I can't update the blog once a week — because it is a discipline for me.
It is during this writer's block that I've discovered one of the most taunting images:
That's right: the blinking cursor on your word processor (though it's not really blinking in this picture…).
It just blinks. And blinks. And blinks. Asking you — taunting you — to write something. Anything.
And it blinks in laughter because you have nothing.
That's when the insecurities start pouring in.
Why the hell am I writing this?
Who am I to write this?
What if everything is just butt awful and I just wasted everyone's time?
Why such a big topic?
Why would anyone care about anything I write?
Accompanied by overcompensating on caffeine intake. Which adds gasoline to the flame of the insecurities which makes me want to consume more coffee which only leads to staring at the ceiling at night, alone in my thoughts — where no one really wants to be. The mind travels to all sorts of places in the middle of the night. I end up cursing my decision to drink so much coffee in the day.
But when the alarm jars me awake — I basically rinse and repeat the very thing I cursed myself for doing.
However, even in the midst of my frustrating insecurities, I am able to remind myself that this is a blessing. This opportunity; the fact that I can bore you with my crazy thoughts on this blog; being able to preach every week — it's all a blessing.
So I update not to complain, but I update for the sake of updating and holding on to this discipline of managing this blog and writing.
I apologize for the lack of updates, and I'll try harder to update at least once a week. I don't know how some of these non-professional bloggers update 3-5 times a week. Bless their souls…
Thank you, always, for actually reading this blog of mine.
It'll probably be a month before all the caffeine I've ingested in the past few weeks completely leave my system…