So Many Things That I Want

The theme for my life currently seems to be “pending.” Or “TBD.” Actually, I feel like my life has been a continual buffering symbol, spinning and spinning.

There’s just a lot of things that seemed to be up in the air for me. That’s not bad. Of course, I have my own desires and ideas of how things should play out. But, I feel like I’m more of a passenger on this ride and the less I try to control things, the easier it will be. But not trying to control outcomes is hard. I want to control things. I want to be in control, particularly when it comes to my fate. Check that. I want to control your fate, too. Life would be easier (I presume) if you behaved the way I expect you to behave all the time. But that’s not life. Control is just an illusion.

So it’s easy to get lost in the wanting, desiring, and coveting. And that becomes a gateway to being worrisome and anxious. Which then gets you stressed out because you’re worried and anxious. And you start thinking if one of the desires, wants, or covets were fulfilled, you’d be less anxious, so you think about it more thinking that maybe Oprah was onto something with The Secret. And that leaves you even more anxious. It’s a cycle that doesn’t end but digs deeper with every revolution.

So I try not to think about things. But the moment you try not to think about it, you can’t help but to think about it.

I was hanging out with my wife and our foster son. We were eating dinner and it was a normal dinner. And I couldn’t shake off the feeling that everything was — at least in this current moment — as it should be. It was a good, nice place to be.

Then it dawned on me. Yea, I have so many things that I want, but that pales in comparison to what I’m already blessed with; with what I already have. Everything — at least in that moment — fell into perspective. Life is full. Life is good. God is good. There is so much joy in my life.

For me, the perfect antidote for the poison of anxiety is gratitude.

I’m sure things in my life will get resolved one way or the other. Some of it may even resolve in ways that I don’t want it to. But that’s okay. I trust that God is with me and for me.

And as I looked over the Boy stuffing his face with kimchi while my wife and I looked on half amazed, half disgusted, I realized that my heart was full.

My heart is full. And I have countless things to be grateful for.


2 thoughts on “So Many Things That I Want

  1. Lol at the “I want to control your fate, too. Life would be easier.”

    This is pretty relevant to me at the moment. Well, everything said before eating with a wife and foster kid. But what you said is so true– gratitude IS the antidote to anxiety. And I’ve been so anxious about a lot of things lately, but taking that time to really reflect on how blessed we are is so therapeutic. How can you still be anxious after that?! And I’m glad your heart is full! Now you, uh, can’t lose. Heh. Heh. Heh…

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