#whyIbelieve: Natasha

I’ve been approached with this question a while ago, “Why do you believe?”

And for a really long time, I’ve been putting it off. It seems as though I’m having difficulty responding to a simple “why” for something that I live for, something that I’d die for, and someone that I claim to be so close to. But in retrospect, I’ve never found a question so difficult to answer. I could easily sit here and tell you a “God story” to justify my why, but I don’t think that a mere human conceptive experience justifies the being of God.
There’s no way that I could uplift my experience over the bible in which he says, “I Am who I Am.” And that’s just what it comes down to. Its easy to say that I believe because it’s the better option. If I were wrong about God, I don’t have much to lose, but if I’m right, and I didn’t believe, I have everything to lose eternally.
I can tell you that I believe because He brought new life to a life I thought was thriving. In comparison, there’s no denying that one offered was much beyond what I would’ve been able to imagine for myself. But it’s not about me. And I can tell you the effects of believing.
How one can have great morale, or this unfathomable hope, and this joy that seems to be so comforting, but how would you get to point B without understanding point A? I could try to convince you why you should believe and join the (fun) party, but I won’t.
He is who he is, and this concept will forever be unconceivable by the human mind.
And this will be one of the most terrifying yet comforting truths to come across. His essence is the epitome of grandiose, and yet He pieces together the tiniest of atoms to perfection.

I will never understand why, or how, but I take comfort in knowing that He is enough. But even to this, He is, was, and will be who he is. He is constant, and never changing. And for this being to be the same forever is comforting because for something to be so much and not change would be the ultimate rock to lean on.

I won’t be able to fully grasp this idea of who he is, and it shows how big and great in all aspects He is. For a god to be understood fully does not show me its glory, nor would it bring in awe. But for God to be uncomprehendable leaves me awe-struck.

The great thing about this is His essence is love. And for all of Him to be filled, not filled because that implies a boundary for something to stay in, for all of him to be love- every space, crevice, every single bit of him to be love, that’s a lot.
And that leaves us with this beautiful, awe-striking, grandiose being that is in all ways perfect. I would love for my god to be a god that is in all ways perfect, and God definitely is. But that’s not it. He goes on to take form of a minuscule man, still perfect, but dies this undeserving death, unwaveringly, and suffers. And somehow diminishes all of man’s ego, thinking they put this man down for good, by defeating death and rising for the sake of love for us.

And this I’ve never fully grasped. I grew up in church, and I respected, admired, and praised God. And it didn’t go further than that. I saw people that’ve experienced the “further”. And I wanted that. I wanted this like nothing else. I asked God for help in making sense of things… to give me a reason to keep praising when I indeed felt so far away. I’ve never experienced that “personal” aspect with Him before. And there was this desperation and this missing link that I was not getting.

It didn’t seem fair that these “new christians” were getting experiences, and I wasn’t. I wanted more. I wanted to know. I needed something. I didn’t have anything to give, and I remember telling him “You can have me, but I want to know you. I want to know you, I want to know you,” and that became my plea.

Instantly, in my head, I felt like a door opened. And I walked through it. I saw something that was a bit away, and I wasn’t sure what it exactly was, but I knew it was familiar and I knew beyond reason it was God. I ran towards it; towards God. The next thing I knew was being embraced in all ways –physically, emotionally, spiritually. It all crescendoed to this moment of clarity and a comfort I’ve never felt before (because I knew this comfort would never go away) took over. Reason for the past made sense. And this overwhelming feeling of Him being bigger (than) filled every part of me -I didn’t need assurance, because there wasn’t anything to assure.

I respect the almighty, admire the holy, but the intimacy validated everything I knew and felt. Infinitely more than I desire, He does. He pursues, undistracted. He prowls with grace and intentions of gentleness. And this is why I believe.

In this relationship, there is no running away. The moment I felt His presence, His embrace it was as if He said “finally.” And every fiber of my being couldn’t have agreed more.

I’ve known Natasha since she was about 4. Her journey of faith has led her to Seattle where she is attending school. 

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